Should I message or talk to my ex? 44 truths and signs to read your emotions

After a breakup, it’s common to wonder “Should I talk to my ex or send him or her a message?” These are hints and tips to help you consider whether or not to reach out.

“Should I talk to my ex-girlfriend or send her a message?” This is a common question that will undoubtedly come to your mind after a breakup. Whether you were the one making the decision, or you were the victim of the breakup, breakups suck. It’s not easy to lose someone, especially when they are such a big part of your life.

It’s natural that you miss them and want to reach out to talk to them.

The psychology behind wanting to message/talk to your ex

Before you start beating yourself up, remember that it’s normal to want to talk to your ex or send them messages. It may be days, months, or even years since you’ve been separated from your previous partner, but eventually, you’ll probably want to contact them.

If you want to message or talk to your ex, the first thing you should do is evaluate your psychological state. Are you alone? Are you feeling scared or sad? Or are you angry, and want to take out some of your anger on the person who broke your heart?

These feelings are natural and normal. Unfortunately, these are your problems to deal with, too. No matter how bad the breakup was, you have to pick yourself up and handle your emotions. Yes, this is extremely unfair, especially if you didn’t want the breakup.

But you can’t reach out to your ex in the hope of consolation. When they don’t talk, or ask you to stop texting them while drunk, you’re more likely to feel bad. You need to find healthy outlets for these feelings, and reaching out to your ex is not such a healthy path.

Should you talk to your ex?

First of all, you don’t need to make this decision right now. Whether your breakup has just happened or it’s been a while, you may be thinking about it.

Whatever the catalyst for the breakup, once you’ve started down the path of trying to talk to your ex, it’s very difficult to turn back. And that’s because the damage has already been done. Talking to your ex again won’t eliminate how the breakup made you feel.

You don’t have to decide to respond to a text or start a conversation right away. Like we said, you have a lot to consider here, so take your time.

If you are in any way hasty in making this decision, it is not easy to back out later.

How long should you wait until you talk or message your ex

There are several things you should consider before talking or messaging your ex. The number one question is how long should you wait.

This depends on the complexities of your breakup, as every relationship ends differently. Luckily, we have some guides for you.

1. Wait at least 30 days after a normal breakup

Treatment takes time. For a normal breakup without any major shock or hard feelings, you should wait at least 30 days before reaching out to your ex and trying to extend the friendship. This is because there is a 30 day no contact period.

If you were together for a very long time, this can be extended to 6 weeks. This gives both of you time to see what life looks like without the other person. If by chance you bump into your ex during the no contact period, try to avoid long and emotional conversations, but don’t be rude.

2. Wait at least 6 months after a bad breakup

Did you have a bad breakup with your ex? Maybe it involves cheating, yelling matches, and/or dragging your friends into it? Then again, there’s really no need to talk to your ex or send him or her messages at all.

But if you have to, wait at least 6 months for the dust to settle on the situation.

3. If you’ve passed the normal contact period, wait until you have a good reason

If a lot of time has passed, and you still want to talk or message your ex, don’t suddenly go overboard on them. Instead, wait until you have a reason to reach out, such as a birthday or a special occasion.

Questions to ask yourself before talking to or messaging your ex

Now that it’s time for you to consider whether or not you should talk or message your ex, before doing anything, you should balance between the advantages and disadvantages. Think about what impact talking to them will have on your life *if anything*.

Did you break up amicably and are on good terms? Or do you still hold grudges against each other? Read on for help answering the question, “Should I talk to my ex?”

1. Did you break up?

If you and your ex have recently ended things, it is best to take a break for some time. Of course, you need to talk if you intend to go out or get your stuff back. But otherwise, taking time away from each other will help you move forward.

2. Do you share friends?

This is the big one. If not talking to your ex upsets your friends, it may be best to acknowledge any resentment or bitterness and remain amicable.

This doesn’t mean that you need to keep sending each other messages or giving the latest information, but it does mean that you’ll probably need to get comfortable sharing small things with the group.

3. Do you work together?

Working together is just as important as sharing friends, if not more so. Neither of you want to jeopardize your job because you have ended your outside relationship. So Don’t.

If you can work together at the most professional level, wonderful. It should be very easy to pass by their desk or bump into them in the copy room.

4. Is it to close?

If you are not considering talking to your ex for a long time, but want to put a halt to the end of your relationship, then by all means do so. The wise thing to do is to clearly state what you want from the conversation.

If you are meeting your ex, don’t be misled about this. When making plans, tell them that you need to get over it and talk about what you didn’t have before the breakup.

5. Do either of you want to get back together?

If you or your ex-partner are looking to restart things, talking may not be the best idea. Sure, you can talk to them to let them know you’re not interested, but try to hold off on deep conversations.

6. Do you get along?

You may think that you are into each other because you have dated them for so many months or years, but really think about it. Many relationships thrive on passion rather than friendship or communication.

If you’re not together even in the most basic situations, it won’t do you any good to talk to or text your ex.

For example, you might have an ex-boyfriend who you never talk to. Once you meet each other after the breakup. It is clear that you cannot find each other outside the walls of the relationship.

But, you may have another ex-partner with whom you can relate on many topics. You can sit like friends and talk on any topic.

7. Do they respect your advances?

Whether you need to move on from your ex or move on with someone else, it’s only worth talking to your ex if they can respect your privacy. If they feel the need to know your current dating status or feel the need to judge you for it, it’s not worth it.

8. Do you want to be friends?

Often, people talk to their ex for a variety of reasons that don’t include actually wanting to be friends with them. They want to be nice or cordial or mature, but none of that is really necessary.

If you don’t want to be friends with your ex, you don’t have to do it, it’s that simple.

9. Is it just for a special occasion?

If you ended on good terms *and that’s a big thing* then it’s probably okay to send them messages on special occasions. Don’t drag out the conversation, but it’s okay to send a simple happy birthday message or something similar.

10. Is this just a special request or concern?

If you want your sweater back or want their help in sorting out your stuff, there’s no reason why you can’t message your ex about it. Just keep the conversation civil and on topic.

11. Is it for them or for you?

It doesn’t matter how long your relationship was or how it ended, only talk to your ex if it’s beneficial to you and your life. You may feel bad that you hurt them, so you want to make things easier for them by talking regularly.

12. Do you trust them?

If you’re just talking as you walk down the aisle, trust isn’t a big deal. But, if you’re considering talking to your ex on a regular basis about something more important than the weather, you need to trust them.

13. Are you worried about them?

This is a bit touchy issue. If you’re worried about how your ex is handling the breakup, contacting them to ask how they’re doing may make you seem disinterested, even guilty.

It’s best to leave your ex alone if the breakup is the reason they are behaving badly. You can’t exactly fix a problem you helped create. But if there’s something else that concerns you, it’s okay to reach out to them and ask them how they’re doing. Especially if a lot of time has passed.

14. Is it because you feel regrets?

If you’re the one who ended the relationship and now you’re feeling remorse, it may be okay to reach out to your ex and say so.

Just be prepared for the fact that they may not be receptive to it. Your ex-partner may be angry with you for abandoning them. Depending on how much time has passed, they may move on.

15. Is it worth the potential drama?

Is your ex-husband stable? Were your fights calm and measured during your relationship? Or did they lose it?

If it was previously okay with this person to yell at you, lose their temper, or talk to people in your life behind your back, they will continue to do so.

16. Is there drama already?

Think about what your situation is like with your ex-partner right now. Are you considering talking to your ex because they’re reaching out? Are they claiming that you are mean, cruel, or cold-hearted because you won’t respond to them?

17. Why did you break up?

Did your breakup happen because you grew apart? Did any of you take a remote job offer? Or did one of you cheat? Think about the real reason why things ended. If it was mutual and continuing the conversation would benefit both of you, then do so.

18. Were you friends before you dated?

If you started out as friends before you became your partner *and then your ex*, you may now be able to get back to that situation. You may remain tied to what you did before things turned romantic. Just remember, you now have a history. And if you can’t get a handle on that, things will probably go wrong.

19. Why do you need to talk?

Ask yourself why you are considering talking to your ex. Do you miss them and need to get them off? Do you want your favorite DVD back? Think about why you ask yourself this question. Is it appropriate and logical for you to talk to your ex, or is it something else?

20. Have you completely recovered from them?

Sometimes we think we have forgotten our ex, but that’s just us lying to ourselves so we have an excuse to talk to them. Even if you believe there is a possibility that the two of you can get back together in the future, don’t try to reach out to them if you haven’t completely gotten over them yet.

You two ended up breaking up for a reason, and the wound is still fresh, so leave it alone. It’s not healthy for you to know exactly where this is going. Stay strong and take time to work on yourself.

When should you avoid talking or messaging your ex?

People always talk about “making the relationship work” or “working hard on the relationship,” but no one ever discusses putting the same kind of energy into a breakup.

Ditching your breakup and resolving to be happy while you’re single is probably the healthiest thing you can do. Doing this involves not talking to your ex for a period of time, which…