25. Staying calm to avoid having difficult conversations and losing your patience

No one likes the prospect of conflict, but learning how to have difficult conversations will lead you to positive outcomes.

Remember the last time you had a conversation with someone you were afraid of. You’ve probably created it in your mind to epic proportions. Then, you lost your patience at the last moment and couldn’t complete it. If this sounds familiar, learn to have difficult conversations and move on.

Knowing how to handle a difficult conversation is not something people are born with knowing how to do. It takes time, patience, and understanding to be able to have this type of conversation and achieve positive results.

Reasons for not avoiding difficult conversations

Have you ever felt like you were getting a stomach ache when you know you have to discuss a topic that you would rather bury in silence?

We’ve all been there, imagining every worst-case scenario. But why, oh why, should we venture into these treacherous negotiating waters?

Simply put, a difficult conversation is a discussion where the stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run high. This is often because, according to psychological theories, high-risk situations trigger our innate fight or flight response, heightening emotions and making rational discussion challenging.

Think about telling a friend that they hurt your feelings, asking a colleague to change an annoying habit, or discussing performance issues with an employee.

1. Builds stronger relationships

Imagine that you are finally discussing a long-standing issue with your friend. You’ll likely find a new level of depth and trust in your friendship, making the temporary discomfort worthwhile.

2. Promotes personal growth

Difficult conversations are kind of like mental gymnastics; They enhance and strengthen your emotional intelligence. Confronting challenging topics requires self-awareness, empathy, and adaptability.

Every difficult conversation you have contributes to your personal growth, making you more equipped for future challenges.

3. Prevents small things from becoming big

Addressing an issue early on can prevent it from turning into an unbearable situation. Think about a small misunderstanding at work that, if ignored, could turn into a major conflict. Early intervention keeps things manageable and less challenging, right?

4. Increases self-esteem

Successfully resolving a difficult conversation can have a positive impact on your self-esteem. One study found that individuals who effectively manage challenging interpersonal situations in the workplace report higher self-efficacy.

5. Leads to better solutions and agreements

Conversations that tackle difficult topics often lead to more creative and effective solutions. When you discuss issues openly, you are more likely to reach an agreement that satisfies all parties involved. It is a collaborative process where everyone’s needs can be met more effectively.

6. Promotes a culture of openness

In a workplace setting, confronting difficult conversations head-on fosters a culture of transparency and honesty. Instead of snubbing your coworker John over to lunch, imagine talking to him directly.

This approach not only solves the immediate problem but also sets a precedent for open communication. Such a culture encourages everyone to speak up and address issues immediately, creating a more positive and productive work environment where misunderstandings are resolved and problems are dealt with effectively.

7. Reduces stress and anxiety

Studies have shown that confronting these issues can lead to significant reductions in stress, as uncertainty and ‘what ifs’ are addressed. It’s about facing fear and finding relief on the other side.

8. Improves decision making

Difficult conversations often require critical thinking and problem-solving skills. This process can enhance your decision-making abilities, as you learn to weigh different approaches and outcomes.

9. Encourages self-reflection

Engaging in difficult conversations often brings moments of self-reflection, like those times when you are sinking into despair and after the conversation you realize that your approach was wrong. This type of situation causes you to reevaluate your assumptions and consider other viewpoints.

This is a valuable opportunity to understand not only those around you, but also your own values, beliefs, and behaviors.

10. Leads to a more authentic life

Finally, engaging in difficult conversations allows you to express your true thoughts and feelings. Authenticity is important to live a full and genuine life. Whether it’s with friends, family or coworkers, being honest and open in your communications leads to more genuine connections and a more authentic existence.

How to Have Difficult Conversations and Move On Without Holding Back

If you want to overcome challenges, you should know eleven main steps that help you learn how to have difficult conversations without backing out at the last moment.

1. Choose the right moment

The first step to having a difficult conversation is knowing when is the right time to have it. Don’t attempt a difficult conversation if the person you want to talk to is stressed, tired, angry about something, not feeling well, or just generally having a bad day.

2. Don’t try to interact with other people around

Difficult conversations need to be held in private. Don’t try to hold a conversation if there are other people in the room, or if there’s a possibility that someone will walk in and interrupt you. Like the previous point, make sure you choose your moment, not when others are listening to you.

3. Never say “We need to talk.”

Saying these words means the other person will immediately become defensive and wonder what the problem is.

4. Think in advance about what you want to say

This doesn’t mean writing down summary points and having flash cards, but rather know what you want to say and keep the main points in your mind. If you don’t think about it first, you’ll forget to say something important.

5. Don’t expect the conversation to go in a certain direction

If you go into a conversation expecting it to flow in a particular direction, you’ll be caught off guard when it doesn’t. Keep your main points in mind and go with the flow, seeing where the conversation takes you.

6. Pay attention to your body language

Your body language also speaks about you, so make sure she actually agrees with what you’re saying! Avoid defensive body language, such as sitting with your legs or arms crossed, fidgeting, or avoiding eye contact.

7. Be direct, “don’t beat around the bush.”

Whatever you want to say, make sure you say it and do it in a way that doesn’t cause confusion or add unnecessary words to the conversation!

There’s nothing worse than listening to someone ramble and waiting for them to get to the real point. This is not the way to have difficult conversations! State the topic of conversation in the beginning. Then, outline your points from there.

8. Choose your language and tone carefully

When you add a specific tone to words, such as sarcasm, they can easily take on a different meaning. Make sure you don’t deliberately choose sentences full of long and complex words. You will make the other person feel inadequate or confused.

9. See the other person’s side

This is a conversation, not a lecture. The person you’re talking to will also have input. Make sure you try your best to see their side of things and understand their perspective.

Part of learning to have difficult conversations is understanding that your side may not be right 100% of the time. This does not mean that you should not express your point of view, but understand that they also have their point of view.

10. Listen!

Make sure you sit and listen to what they are saying. Most people think they know how to listen, but they really don’t. It’s not just about the words the other person is saying, it’s also about understanding non-verbal cues, like tone of voice, body language, etc.

11. Manage your emotions

When you’re preparing for a difficult conversation, it’s like preparing for an important presentation – you need to be in the right state of mind.

12. Practice empathetic listening

Empathetic listening is more than just nodding. It’s really about paying attention to what the other person is saying, beyond just their words.

When you listen with empathy, you are trying to understand their feelings and perspective. This not only shows respect but also opens the conversation to deeper understanding, making the whole experience more constructive.

13. Take breaks if necessary

It’s okay to breathe a sigh of relief during a difficult conversation. If things get too heated or confusing, suggest a short break. This gives everyone a chance to calm down and collect their thoughts.

Taking a short break can help both parties return to the discussion with a clearer mind and better focus.

14. Work together to achieve positive results

Difficult conversations don’t have to be confrontational or upsetting, they can even be constructive and progressive.

You can work together to ensure that the conversation reaches an appropriate and positive point. Agree that yes, this topic is a bit strange or difficult, but it needs discussion. Getting it right on both sides will help you do this.

15. Reflect and follow

After you’ve finished, take a moment to think about how the conversation went. Which parts were successful and what can you improve next time? This type of reflection is important for enhancing your conversation skills.

Plus, following up later shows that you’re committed to the solution and value the relationship. This is a way to make sure everything discussed is understood and moving in the right direction.

Conversations are a two-way thing

By understanding the right way to handle this type of situation, you avoid losing your patience at the last minute, and are much less likely to offend or upset the person you need to talk to. This gives you a great opportunity to deal with the situation that is causing difficulties for both of you, whatever it may be.

Learning to have difficult conversations is as much about preparation as it is about the actual moment. However, be prepared to go with the flow and choose the right time for the conversation. After all, these are the conversations that really matter, as they often lead to important breakthroughs and deeper understanding in relationships.